It’s been an interesting week in America, chock full of news guaranteed to titillate even those who don’t routinely pay attention.
During this week, we saw America say a graceful goodbye to its 100-year-old, 39th president of the United States, Jimmy Carter. That was the nicest thing about the week.
During this week, we also saw the 45th, and soon to be 47th, president officially designated a convicted felon, the first president ever to swan dive into that particularly deep, stink-filled hole. Naturally, with his usual bluster, he draped the whole thing with a Trump-monogrammed, victory, whitewashed toga, saying on Truth Social (what an oxymoronic name):
The Radical Democrats have lost another pathetic, unAmerican Witch Hunt. After spending tens of millions of dollars, wasting over 6 years of obsessive work that should have been spent on protecting New Yorkers from violent, rampant crime that is destroying the City and State, coordinating with the Biden/Harris Department of Injustice in lawless Weaponization, and bringing completely baseless, illegal, and fake charges against your 45th and 47th President, ME, I was given an UNCONDITIONAL DISCHARGE. That result alone proves that, as all Legal Scholars and Experts have said, THERE IS NO CASE, THERE WAS NEVER A CASE, and this whole Scam fully deserves to be DISMISSED. The real Jury, the American People, have spoken, by Re-Electing me with an overwhelming MANDATE in one of the most consequential Elections in History. As the American People have seen, this “case” had no crime, no damages, no proof, no facts, no Law, only a highly conflicted Judge, a star witness who is a disbarred, disgraced, serial perjurer, and criminal Election Interference.
OK. I cut it off there, but there was more, and I’ll spare you that.
For the record, Judge Juan Merchan, in sentencing Trump to nothing, said that Trump’s only reprieve from punishment was his looming presidency: “Donald Trump, the ordinary citizen, Donald Trump the criminal defendant, would not be entitled to such considerable protections.” Merchan probably issued his ruling while holding his nose.
Merchan said the law required him to issue an “unconditional discharge.” This is not an exoneration or a dismissal. Merchan was firm that Trump’s jury conviction on 34 counts of falsifying records stands. He is, and will remain, a convicted felon.
During this week, we have also seen horrific fires engulf Los Angeles and beyond. The fires have killed at least ten people thus far, as well as destroyed thousands of homes and businesses. And into this horrendoma parachuted convicted felon Donald Trump to blame the whole thing on Democrats and Governor Gavin Newsom (whom Trump labels “Newscum” — how clever he is, isn’t he? He makes a schoolyard bully look like Mother Theresa).
Trump claims Newsom diverted water necessary to fight the fires to save an endangered fish, a smelt. That’s sort of accusing Newsom of murder. Totally untrue, of course. There’s plenty of water to fight the fires, but because of electrical power outages (caused by the fires), there is not enough pressure in some water hydrants, and some of those couldn’t pump at all. It seems to me that everyone is doing the very best they can to fight this historic conflagration, and they deserve support and thanks. Doesn’t matter to what’s-in-it-for-me Donald.
Also during this week, we saw the official and peaceful transfer of power in a joint session of Congress, although it might only have been peaceful because the Democrats lost and the MAGA Republicans won — the same folks who lost four years ago, and we know what happened then.
Finally, during this week, we were treated to a vaudevillesque, Donald Trump press conference from his tromp l’oeil, faux-luxurious Mar-a-Lago, the place where he packed away in bathrooms and ballrooms all the high security files he stole from the White House when he left in 2021.
For a man who doesn’t drink, Donald Trump is acting more and more like a guy on a barstool talking gibberish to anyone who’ll listen. His press conference was a good example. Delivered in what can only be described as a bastardized form of stream of consciousness that would have made William Faulkner cringe, he circled around broad policy points without ever landing on one, which is pretty much his usual modus operandi. Along the way, he continued his more or less constant attack on America and what it has become over the last four years, in his befuddled opinion. We all know that at some point in late January or early February he will declare the ship of state turned around, sailing in the right direction with wonderful results, and all because of him. He is as predictable as the sun rising tomorrow.
And, just to show what a tough guy he is, at the mid-point of his presser, he flew off into his own twilight zone, waxing ineloquent about using America’s armed forces to conquer Greenland, the Panama Canal, and maybe even all of Canada. What’s next? The planet Venus?
But I don’t want to end this event-filled week on a downer. Oh, no. I have an announcement to make. I have been offered a job! A very, very, VERY BIG ONE!
A wonderful Team Trump lady named Mary, who may or may not exist, wrote me to say that the big boss himself WANTS MY HELP! Get ready, now — I have been asked to become an Official Trump Cabinet-Level Advisor. And, yes, you read that right.
Don’t believe me? Think I’m just bragging? Au contraire. Here’s my invitation to the big dance:
The “he’s very smart” Elon Musk will probably be sitting next to, or at least, near me at a highly polished table conducive to the gravity of the advice we’ll be giving.
At this point, I’m just waiting for my briefing folder and plane ticket to DC. I wonder where I’ll be sitting for the inauguration?
What a week! My life is now complete.
